Really tense i must say be happy

So I realised my water broke. I told my mum but she said it was okay. I then continued sleeping, not until at 5am I felt it flushing out again. I became worried, as, as far as I'm concerned, leaking water means labour follows. So I took myself to the hospital, got a check up, and was being admitted for almost one month. The NICU staff were worried about me, considering that time my pregnancy was only 26weeks, with fetal weight of 700 grams. I was briefed about the complications of premature born. That day I soon began my research on premature babies - which I never bothered before. It's like a saying, you'll start being concerned once you get to experience it... Being so stressed in the hospital, watching people came and left the labour room, leaving me as the permanent resident of that labour room, I began to be stressed again. And there were times at 27 or 28 weeks that I talked to the doctors telling them I'd want to have the c-section to let the baby out, as I was too worried about work. I didn't want to get fired. The doctor told me to wait, for at least my pregnancy reached 32 weeks. At 29 weeks, finally, I felt the contraction... I thought what I felt was merely constipation but the pain was too severe I couldn't sleep for 2 nights. The third night after being checked by the doctor, I was ready for labour then. It was a sad moment for me, I was alone, no husband. I managed to text his daddy at least letting him know I was about to give birth. And I called my mum. It was on the 27th October, around 4am ish... After for about one hour at the labour room, I then safely delivered little Luke... It was hard I must say, I didn't have the energy to push that his head was stuck. Maybe God wanted to save him that he gave me strength strong enough for me to push him out fully out of me... Little Luke is a poor baby. I must admit that whatever happens to him, is my fault. I wished him out too early as I felt tired I wasn't happy, constantly stressed. I forgot to cherish his existence in my tummy, when I prayed for him before. I never thought my wrongdoings would cause him to be born prematurely All my faults. When I saw him, the 2nd time after his birth, with the hose in his mouth for oxygen, and his body wired, I felt really really sad And I realised that was my punishment... To have a sensitive baby that I must monitor his being, maybe for the rest of my life. But God, I am really thankful he is very strong, his willingness to stay alive is so strong. He is stronger than me... There are a lot of things I want to say but this is all I could say for now. My point is that, I'm punished, and that I am working hard to make up for my sins to him

Always REMEMBER GOD dnt punish ppl. Its all a mind thing.

Really tense don't worry be happy

Not everything that is necessary to post online so I'll urge you let the lid cover the bowls lol, .... My advise to you is keep your private live private cos there are many out there whom experiences more than you do but they don't post it online....

be cool, everything will be OK.

Yes you're correct. However whatever I shared here is what was burdening me then that I felt I should share. Some things are better let out ya know!

Ah yes, he's no longer a preemie. Hehe. I wish for him to grow fast so I'd worry less...

Liam is being responsible for sending me money every months. Last month alone he sent me BND 600, which I can use till March this year. I supposed my topics have made him look bad. Sometimes I can't help my exhaustion I wish he was here to help me take care of our baby. I barely sleep well, last night alone I had to be awake to keep an eye on him... I only learned last night preemies have reflux, which is quite dangerous if I didn't do anything - as it'd affect his lungs... So I stayed awake for a while to burp him properly. I really feel tired and angry... Which made me forget how responsible Liam has been to me and for our baby.

All will be well soon for you. Your baby can feel your emotions, so relax and lift your head high. I can read between the lines that you are a very strong woman and a special mommy.