4nny short tales 1 by Crownstar 2015/06/18 13:29
Funny Tale of a Lost Senior Citizen When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He told me, 'I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.' I continued, 'Well, then why are you crying?' He added, 'She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite biscuits, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.' I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' He said, 'For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then we cuddle until the small hours.' I inquired, 'Well then, why in the world would you be crying?' He replied, 'I can't remember where I live.' (#COPIED)
Funny Tale of a Lost Senior Citizen When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He told me, 'I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.' I continued, 'Well, then why are you crying?' He added, 'She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite biscuits, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.' I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' He said, 'For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then we cuddle until the small hours.' I inquired, 'Well then, why in the world would you be crying?' He replied, 'I can't remember where I live.' (#COPIED)
Crownstar 2015/06/18 13:32
The Silly, Hilarious and Funny Side of DIY [Do It Yourself] Rosie Hall buys a self- assembly, flat-pack, cupboard from her local Homebase store. Reaching home Rosie reads the instructions carefully, counts the pieces then assembles the cupboard in the bedroom. It looks really great and she is delighted. Now, Rosie lives near a railway line and as the train passes by the cupboard collapses. Undaunted by this misfortune she re-reads the instructions and reassembles the cupboard. Once more, another train passes and the whole cupboard collapses again. Rosie now frustrated and thinking that she must have done something "wrong" re-re-reads the instructions and re-re- assembles the cupboard. Shortly, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses yet again for the 3rd time. Rosie is now fed up, cross and rather angry so she 'phones the customer service department. She is told that this is quite impossible and that they'll send along a fitter to take a look. The fitter arrives and assembles the cupboard. Again, a train passes and the cupboard collapses. Completely baffled by this unexpected event, the fitter decides to reassemble the cupboard and sit inside it to see whether he can find out what causes the cupboard to collapse. At this point, Rosie's husband comes home, sees the cupboard and says, 'Oh, that's a splendid looking cupboard,' and he opens it to look inside. The fitter, who had been wondering how to explain his position in Rosie's bedroom cupboard, blurts out, 'You probably won't believe me, but I'm standing here waiting for a train.'
The Silly, Hilarious and Funny Side of DIY [Do It Yourself] Rosie Hall buys a self- assembly, flat-pack, cupboard from her local Homebase store. Reaching home Rosie reads the instructions carefully, counts the pieces then assembles the cupboard in the bedroom. It looks really great and she is delighted. Now, Rosie lives near a railway line and as the train passes by the cupboard collapses. Undaunted by this misfortune she re-reads the instructions and reassembles the cupboard. Once more, another train passes and the whole cupboard collapses again. Rosie now frustrated and thinking that she must have done something "wrong" re-re-reads the instructions and re-re- assembles the cupboard. Shortly, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses yet again for the 3rd time. Rosie is now fed up, cross and rather angry so she 'phones the customer service department. She is told that this is quite impossible and that they'll send along a fitter to take a look. The fitter arrives and assembles the cupboard. Again, a train passes and the cupboard collapses. Completely baffled by this unexpected event, the fitter decides to reassemble the cupboard and sit inside it to see whether he can find out what causes the cupboard to collapse. At this point, Rosie's husband comes home, sees the cupboard and says, 'Oh, that's a splendid looking cupboard,' and he opens it to look inside. The fitter, who had been wondering how to explain his position in Rosie's bedroom cupboard, blurts out, 'You probably won't believe me, but I'm standing here waiting for a train.'
Crownstar 2015/06/18 13:33
An Irishman's Jocular Tale An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman all entered a 26 mile long swimming race. After 12 miles the Scottish man gets tired and drops out. Then after 16 miles the English man gets tired and drops out. After 25 miles the Irish man decides he can't finish the race, so he turns around and swims back to the start. (#copied)
An Irishman's Jocular Tale An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman all entered a 26 mile long swimming race. After 12 miles the Scottish man gets tired and drops out. Then after 16 miles the English man gets tired and drops out. After 25 miles the Irish man decides he can't finish the race, so he turns around and swims back to the start. (#copied)
Crownstar 2015/06/18 13:34
Fun At The Movies Last week Ronnie Walsh went to the movies at the Rialto Cinema in Bristol to see "Slumdog Millionaire" but because of two women loudly chatting together who were sitting in the row in front of him, Ronnie was unable to hear the dialogue clearly. Ronnie leaned forward and said in a stage whisper, 'Excuse me ladies but I can't hear.' 'I should hope not,' stormed the woman, 'this is a private conversation.'
Fun At The Movies Last week Ronnie Walsh went to the movies at the Rialto Cinema in Bristol to see "Slumdog Millionaire" but because of two women loudly chatting together who were sitting in the row in front of him, Ronnie was unable to hear the dialogue clearly. Ronnie leaned forward and said in a stage whisper, 'Excuse me ladies but I can't hear.' 'I should hope not,' stormed the woman, 'this is a private conversation.'
Crownstar 2015/06/18 13:38
Amusing Married Men Only Story Will and Guy have no information as to the veracity about this funny tale from the USA. Apparently in a small town somewhere in the USA there is a large factory that will only recruit married men. One of the local women, one Brenda Davy, a feisty young lady, was angry about this and demanded to speak to the manager to find out why. Brenda demanded to know, 'Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous.......or what?' 'Not at all, Ma'am,' the Factory Manager replied. 'It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them.'
Amusing Married Men Only Story Will and Guy have no information as to the veracity about this funny tale from the USA. Apparently in a small town somewhere in the USA there is a large factory that will only recruit married men. One of the local women, one Brenda Davy, a feisty young lady, was angry about this and demanded to speak to the manager to find out why. Brenda demanded to know, 'Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous.......or what?' 'Not at all, Ma'am,' the Factory Manager replied. 'It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them.'
Crownstar 2015/06/18 13:43
Police Officer Bryant found a perfect hiding place for watching for speeding motorists. One day, the officer was amazed when everyone was under the speed limit, so Bryant investigated and found the problem. 10 year old Dennis was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "Radar Trap Ahead." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "Tips" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.
Police Officer Bryant found a perfect hiding place for watching for speeding motorists. One day, the officer was amazed when everyone was under the speed limit, so Bryant investigated and found the problem. 10 year old Dennis was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "Radar Trap Ahead." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "Tips" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.
Crownstar 2015/06/18 13:44
My sister, Paula, and her husband, Chris, had just finished tucking their young ones into bed one evening when they heard crying coming from the children's room. Rushing in, they found Tommy crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a 5p piece and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind. Trying to calm him, Chris palmed a 5p coin that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to remove it from Tommy's ear. Tommy, naturally, was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully - 'Do it again, Dad!'
My sister, Paula, and her husband, Chris, had just finished tucking their young ones into bed one evening when they heard crying coming from the children's room. Rushing in, they found Tommy crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a 5p piece and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind. Trying to calm him, Chris palmed a 5p coin that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to remove it from Tommy's ear. Tommy, naturally, was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully - 'Do it again, Dad!'
Crownstar 2015/06/18 13:45
A man boasts to a friend about his new hearing aid, 'It's the most expensive one I've ever had, it cost me USD *3,500.' [1800] His friend asks, 'What kind is it?' The braggart says, 'Half past four.'
A man boasts to a friend about his new hearing aid, 'It's the most expensive one I've ever had, it cost me USD *3,500.' [1800] His friend asks, 'What kind is it?' The braggart says, 'Half past four.'
Crownstar 2015/06/18 13:47
After his return from Rome, Will couldn't find his luggage in the London Gatwick airport baggage area. So he went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that his bags hadn't shown up on the carousel. She smiled and told him not to worry because they were trained professionals and he was in good hands. 'Now', she asked Will, 'has your plane arrived yet?'
After his return from Rome, Will couldn't find his luggage in the London Gatwick airport baggage area. So he went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that his bags hadn't shown up on the carousel. She smiled and told him not to worry because they were trained professionals and he was in good hands. 'Now', she asked Will, 'has your plane arrived yet?'
Crownstar 2015/06/18 13:48
Fred Gibbs was in his early 60's, retired and had started a second career in catering. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 2, 3, 5 minutes late. However, he was a good worker, really clever, so the owner was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called Steve into the office for a talk. Fred, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a top class job, but you're being late so often is quite a worry.' 'Yes, I realise that, sir, and I am working on it.' replied Fred. 'I'm pleased to hear that, you are a team player. It's odd though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Royal Navy. What did they say if you came in late there?' 'They said, "Good morning, Admiral".'
Fred Gibbs was in his early 60's, retired and had started a second career in catering. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 2, 3, 5 minutes late. However, he was a good worker, really clever, so the owner was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called Steve into the office for a talk. Fred, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a top class job, but you're being late so often is quite a worry.' 'Yes, I realise that, sir, and I am working on it.' replied Fred. 'I'm pleased to hear that, you are a team player. It's odd though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Royal Navy. What did they say if you came in late there?' 'They said, "Good morning, Admiral".'
Crownstar 2015/06/18 13:52
This next yarn reminds of my former classmate Pete. At school, Pete was always in the top 2/3 in our class, but once he left school, he never could settle in a job. He landed a job as a bus driver, but his denouement came when he took a detour and drove the bus to his home. Pete, got out, went in, left the passengers on the bus, had a cup of tea and drove on half an hour later. When the bus company discovered his antics, his supervisor dismissed him on the spot. The Airline flight attendant in this next tale is going the same way as Pete. From a Stingem employee....' Welcome aboard Stingem Flight XXX to YYY.' We are pleased to have some of the best pilots in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!' Then he progressed to the famous ' Fasten Seatbelt Routine' . What he said was: 'To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.' In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love the more. After the plane landed, he said: 'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants' His final announcement was: 'Thank you for flying Stingem Airlines. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.'
This next yarn reminds of my former classmate Pete. At school, Pete was always in the top 2/3 in our class, but once he left school, he never could settle in a job. He landed a job as a bus driver, but his denouement came when he took a detour and drove the bus to his home. Pete, got out, went in, left the passengers on the bus, had a cup of tea and drove on half an hour later. When the bus company discovered his antics, his supervisor dismissed him on the spot. The Airline flight attendant in this next tale is going the same way as Pete. From a Stingem employee....' Welcome aboard Stingem Flight XXX to YYY.' We are pleased to have some of the best pilots in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!' Then he progressed to the famous ' Fasten Seatbelt Routine' . What he said was: 'To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.' In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love the more. After the plane landed, he said: 'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants' His final announcement was: 'Thank you for flying Stingem Airlines. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.'
Crownstar 2015/06/18 13:54
Marlon asked the teacher to help him get his shoes on at the end of a busy day. After quite a struggle with the shoes, which were a little tight, Tessa finally got them on. 'They're on the wrong way round, Miss,' mumbled Marlon. She realises that he is right; they are on the wrong feet. Staying calm she and swaps them over for him. 'They're not my shoes, Miss,' Marlon murmurs again. Tessa fights hard to keep her cool and asks Marlon why he hadn't told her before. She then kneels down again and helps him pull the shoes off. 'These aren't my shoes, they're my brother's and Mum told me not to tell anyone.' At this point Tessa can feel tears coming. She helps him back into his shoes. She gets him into his coat and wraps his scarf round his neck. 'Where are your gloves, Marlon?' asks Tessa quietly. 'Oh, Miss, I always put them in my shoes!'
Marlon asked the teacher to help him get his shoes on at the end of a busy day. After quite a struggle with the shoes, which were a little tight, Tessa finally got them on. 'They're on the wrong way round, Miss,' mumbled Marlon. She realises that he is right; they are on the wrong feet. Staying calm she and swaps them over for him. 'They're not my shoes, Miss,' Marlon murmurs again. Tessa fights hard to keep her cool and asks Marlon why he hadn't told her before. She then kneels down again and helps him pull the shoes off. 'These aren't my shoes, they're my brother's and Mum told me not to tell anyone.' At this point Tessa can feel tears coming. She helps him back into his shoes. She gets him into his coat and wraps his scarf round his neck. 'Where are your gloves, Marlon?' asks Tessa quietly. 'Oh, Miss, I always put them in my shoes!'
Crownstar 2015/06/18 14:05
Three men went to hell. The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3" He then opened the doors to the three rooms. Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor. Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor. Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shxt up to their knees and drinking coffee. The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee. They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."
Three men went to hell. The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3" He then opened the doors to the three rooms. Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor. Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor. Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shxt up to their knees and drinking coffee. The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee. They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."
Crownstar 2015/06/18 14:11
CHURCH SIGNS "No God -- No Peace. Know God -- Know Peace." "Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!" "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin- Robbins." "Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!" An ad for St.Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets." When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too." "Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!" A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed." "People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are." "God so loved the world that He did not send a committee." "Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!" "When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright." "Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday." "Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily." "How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or Non-smoking?" "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives": "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world." "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin." "Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church." "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns." "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again." "Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon." "This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" "Forbidden fruit creates many jams." "In the dark? Follow the Son." "Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up." "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."
CHURCH SIGNS "No God -- No Peace. Know God -- Know Peace." "Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!" "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin- Robbins." "Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!" An ad for St.Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets." When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too." "Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!" A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed." "People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are." "God so loved the world that He did not send a committee." "Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!" "When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright." "Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday." "Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily." "How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or Non-smoking?" "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives": "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world." "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin." "Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church." "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns." "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again." "Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon." "This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" "Forbidden fruit creates many jams." "In the dark? Follow the Son." "Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up." "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."
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